Dear Working Mom…
“There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.”
– JILL CHURCHILL
This quote should be a working mom’s mantra or at the very least something we hold on to and reflect on when we feel like what we’re doing is not enough. Do you ever get this feeling deep down that nothing you do will ever amount to what you feel is ‘enough’? Let me be clear, when I say “working mom” I mean that in every capacity and not just a mom who clocks in and out at a job.
As a first time mom who has always been very career-driven, I feel like I’m navigating an entirely new way of life and it’s not an easy road. Don’t get me wrong, I was very aware that my life would be different once I became a mom — nothing about that is a shock. However, it seems like nothing is in my control anymore. I can plan and outsource and plan some more, but at the end of the day, if my son needs me I’m dropping everything to tend to him.
On one hand, this is beautiful. I have a little person who I love so much that they are my absolute priority. But on the other hand, this comes with a bit of anxiety. My mind is always on 100 miles per hour thinking about my work to-do list, my business to-do list, future endeavors, tending to myself and my partner, and just… I don’t know, breathing? Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be enough hours in the day to tackle everything, especially when I might have to pivot at any moment.
As women, we’re constantly working twice as hard to prove our worth and our value. We know our worth and value, but for whatever reason “they” don’t recognize it, so we go harder. Burnout seems like a natural part of our lives because how can it not be? Not only are these arbitrary expectations imposed on us, we often impose them on ourselves.
So, what happens when we constantly work twice as hard at our careers/businesses? We feel like bad or inadequate moms. Now, I know and you know there’s no way to be a perfect anything, but if we feel like we’re failing our little person (or little people), we forget that there is no such thing as a perfect mom. I can understand this feeling now as a mom who wears many hats — not just that, but a perfectionist who wears these hats and wants to be great at all of them without compromising my health or my relationships.
Here’s the thing: it all comes down to our mindset. I know, cliche. But, seriously! It all comes down to how we choose to perceive what’s going on around us. I choose to believe that my son is going to grow up watching his mother achieve her goals, follow her dreams, change the lives of others, and love him unconditionally while doing it and that will shape his view of women. I choose to believe that the way I live my life before his eyes will allow him to understand the worth and the value of women so that he never makes any woman work twice as hard to prove theirs to him. This mindset works the same if you’re a mom of girls — you want your daughters to grow up believing that they, too, can do anything!
Instead of telling yourself you’re not doing enough for your kids and allowing mom guilt to take over, remember the example that you’re setting. Sometimes I wonder what message I’m sending if I’m constantly giving in to mom guilt. Am I teaching that I shouldn’t be wearing as many hats as I do? Because I absolutely can wear them. Our children know we love them and I am willing to be that for the most part, they don’t even sense that we’re working “too much.” It’s tough, it’s exhausting, and at times, discouraging. I get it and trust me, I live it daily. However, we can’t let it defeat us.
This is what we normally struggle with, but I’m going to say it anyway: ask for help. I know in some cases, this may be a privilege. But, if that is not your story and you have a village willing to help you, lean on them! This can look like 2 hours of babysitting so you can rest and recharge, or time to clean your house because you haven’t had the chance to in a while. This can also look like hiring people to complete the tasks that are taking you away from your family or your career/business.
There is no shame in letting other people facilitate your day to day! If you’re able to afford a nanny, even if it’s part-time, go for it! Your children will benefit from you taking care of yourself so you can give them your best.
Sadly, we live in a society that devalues mothers and women in general. How many times have you heard women complain about the lack of maternity leave benefits at their jobs? While some countries provide incredible benefits, we live in a place that pressures us into marriage and motherhood, but isn’t willing to support that. You’re expected to work full time while pregnant and hopefully have 12 weeks at home with your baby; in some cases, there are women who may not get to take advantage of Paid Family Leave (PFL) or they are sometimes expected to return back to work rather quickly to continue paid benefits.
This weighs heavily on our mental health, especially when our finances are taking a hit but our bills aren’t taking a break. This Women’s History Month, let’s choose to have more conversations around this and work towards making more progress for women in the workplace. It’s overdue and very needed.
Being a working mom — whatever that may look like — is not an easy task. You’re expected to be the perfect mom and the perfect worker. Neither of those are attainable and this has nothing to do with who you are but everything to do with it being impossible. When you learn to shift your mindset and remind yourself that you’re a superhero (seriously!), everything will start to change. Learn to recognize your limits and don’t push those; instead, ask for help in whatever area you need the most help in. Doing your best will look differently everyday, and that is okay.
